moonlight and holiness

i woke this morning before the sun.  in fact, i began my morning in moonlight.  that happens occasionally.   there were no birds chirping brightly and no sunlight streaming warmly.  but there was the moon - bright and warm through the sliver of shutter i had failed to secure.  as i lay deep in soft flannel i had little motivation for anything more than nestling down deeper. further. softer. safer.  i didn't ask to be pierced by the hard stare of this glaring crescent just outside my window.  i didn't desire to be pricked with its celestial whiteness. its heat.  that was for the midnight.  the moon had no business taunting me out of bed at this early hour.  the moon is for sleep-heavy children.  it is for lovers and dreamers.  it is not meant for my morning start in quiet.  it had been given no cordial invitation to sit with me and my coffee and my solitude. certainly not my sleep.   i closed my eyes to it.  i closed my mind to it.  sleep.  there was sleep to continue.  there was sleep to complete.  but it was not so.  i had failed to secure the shutter.


there have been other prickings.  other moments of exposure.  other moments when i left a crack in the covering of my soul.  so often we are careful. careful to keep things closed up, buttoned up and picked up.   we draw the shade.  we fasten the latch.  we pull the curtain.  tight.  tighter. tightly.  we tell ourselves it is for our protection.  we assure ourselves it is in our best interest.  we pass it off with words like self-preserving and self-defending. we assign it lingo.  we attribute position.  we convince ourselves that vulnerability brings too great a cost.  and it does.  of course it does. we are protectors.  there aren't many of us journeying toward a wound.  we see the approach of something sharp and we change our course.  turn.  run.  flee.  we have learned it from our time in childhood.  that stove is hot!  don't touch!  no touch!   and so we learn to be careful.  we travel with caution.  we dream delicately. we skate the surface of our living, glossy and impenetrable appearing.


but what if we have to be burned?  what if we have to taste tears of pain and disappointment and even,  sorrow?  can that hot-white piercing of moonlight be good for us?  you already know my answer.  i am not pretending to like it.  i don't.  i already confessed my instinct to nestle down deeper into the soft flannel comfort of numb.  i would rather not see my dirty layers and dusty soul exposed for what they are.  with pricking and piercing comes tearing and torn.   i am not always ready for that kind of abrupt exposure.  i am hardly ever prepared for that kind of pain.  but it comes.  i cannot stop the moonlight.  i cannot secure the shutter always.  forever.  i may desire to languish deeply in comfort, but my God desires to work even more deeply in me.  His work in me is more than moonlight through the haphazardness of loose shutter.  there is no mistake in His piercing.  no accident in His pursuit.  He wants me.  all of me.  He wants the deepest recess of my heart.  it belongs to Him.  and no matter how much i yearn to pad it with the cooling items of ease, He will expose it.  there is light to be shed.  there is dirt to be seen. and there is healing to be had.


with our layers peeled back we are left feeling wide-open.  cleft and bare. and in this wide-open God proves tender and merciful.  ever-gentle.  there is a sweetness even when it tastes of sorrow. even when mixed with tears. sweet-bitter. hard-good.


because that is it.  He doesn't work randomly.  He doesn't pierce without purpose.  there is a plan. and it is holy and i hardly ever know it.  at times i can't even begin to guess.   i try.  i fail.  but i cannot.  i am left unsettled.  my frailty wishes for shelter.  my humanity wishes for easy.  my body wishes for mild.  but my soul knows i need holy.  my God desires it all.  He has taken my heart of stone...my heart which was hard and safe and cold and numb and mine...and He has replaced it with flesh.  and now it is His and it is tender.  "I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh..."  (ezekiel 36:26).   and now His piercings come and they are poignant.  His refinement burns fast.   He desires all.   "to the israelites the glory of the Lord looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain." (exodus 24:17)  i am an israelite. stiff-necked. stubborn.  doubtful. wandering.  but i wonder if i truly know this consuming.  have i really stood near enough the fire.   i know there are places closer. hotter.  and like the moonlight, i want to shut my eyes against these close places. move further. forgotten.


and so i hunker down and play dead.  i hide under the table of my fabricated self.  but He knows where i am and He has a plan for holy.  and sometimes it burns. and sometimes it tears.  but, always, it is good.  because He has a plan and it is for holy.  and though i can pretend to hide from the early morning moon.  i cannot hide from the ever-present,  always-loving and most-unflagging pursuit of my Holy God.  Holy God.  God.

"so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed.

and a sword will pierce your own soul too."  ~ luke 2:35